14 February 2012

WEEK NINE. conversation by clair and anni

"I went to khajuraho in India with a group of friends to see the temples there.  The outer walls, the periphery of the temple there, is sculpted and decorated with the scenes of the sexual act, different postures of intercourse.  My friends asked why these sculptures were there, decoratiing a temple!

...I led them in.  Inside there were no such statues.  My friends were surprised because there was no sex depicted anywhere....on the outer periphery, outer wall of life, sex and passion exsist; its inside is the temple of god..."
Osho from his book 'sex matters'.

~ ~ ~

when something is truely abundant one can free themselves of it.  whenever there are limits....boundaries, our minds are always dreaming, obsessing, thinking of them, it, her, him
this evening my mind is obsessed with chocolate.  i have none in the cupboard.  none in the freezer.  no sweetness.  not even any fruit.  my mind is lost in this lack of abundance and returns again and again to the same feeling....the same sensation....

For me, your reflections on desire and boundaries -especially in relation to both food and sex- call to mind the concept of Eros and lack. Erotic desire is dependent upon boundaries; its electricity is fed by the lack that those boundaries inflict. Sexual desire seems to be fed by absence rather than abundance. Those lovers who have given the whole of themselves to me and seemed to lack any mystery or strangeness have ceased to be objects of sexual desire. Excitement is fed by a feeling that there is a part of the lover that cannot be obtained, by an inability to traverse the boundaries of skin and of self. At times I have had to tell myself stories to keep eroticism alive, and I think that’s something that most of us need. I love sexual encounters with people who give enough to tempt but who also hold something back, because it is the pursuit that feeds my desire…

This mysterious, strange, absence-driven eroticism seems completely antithetical to notions of sexuality in popular culture. The homogenous images of women and men with artificially perfect bodies and vacant facial expressions that you see in the media are what I consider to be sexualised but not sexual. There’s a huge divide between these marketed images and what sex actually involves. Osho’s comment about images of sex on the outer periphery made me think of this. Unlike Osho, I’m not talking about sex as a decoration adorning a life that has God at its centre, but about the empty images that hide a more complex erotic world.

Food doesn’t quite involve the same complex stories and complications as sex does, but a discussion of it does involve some of the same concepts of desire, indulgence and lack. In telling ourselves that we can’t have something, we want it all the more, especially if it is bad for us. And absence, lack and austerity make one long, with increasing desperation, to indulge in the apple of one’s eye (which never actually seems to be an apple, but may be an apple pie with cream!)  J
thank you for your enjoyable writing anni....
what is, or makes something erotic ..... 
...i am thinking....there is soooooooooo much talk of physical body!  so much propagandar, so much media attention, so m u c h  general  and world wide A  T  T  E  N  T  I  O  N!!! ( ive just noticed 'at tention')  and it makes me wanna shout and spue and fight and yet it still    s u  c   k   s    m e   in!
...now i am thinking....are emotions sexy'?.......what about our emotional body?  ....yes, how it is,  so sexy, so erotic, so pleasing, so growing, so connectable, delictable, so deep, so nuturing, so engaging, so entracing, so peaceful,  and, in turm so capable of being the opposite of everything here.

That's a pleasure; thanks for the opportunity. 

It's hard not to be sucked in by the persistent focus on the physical body. It's easier and more immediate than worrying about the more complicated elements of sex and self. Aesthetically pleasing images of sexy women and men make sexiness look easy, and seem to provide something bright, fun and breezy in a complex, exhausting and often grey world. When I look at people who aim to achieve this look via working out, dieting, shopping, makeup etc, it sometimes appears as if they are trying to assert some form of control in a world that is far beyond our control in all its mess, injustice and confusion. But it is never possible to achieve physical perfection because we are only human, and our bodies fail us eventually. It's like chasing a ghost.

So I think we have to hope that emotions can be sexy! There is certainly something about sex that goes far beyond the physical body to the emotional. I'm not always sure that the emotional and the erotic go hand in hand in the way that we think they should, as it is possible (and I think common) to feel a negative emotion that can be charged with erotic electricity.  But as you say, there is something sexy about the changeability and unpredictability of our emotions. We can connect in sorrow, in artistic rapture, in anger, in happiness, in pain, in mourning, in hopeful anticipation, in madness and in loss. All of these things can be sexual but we can't always explain why. This emotional landscape is probably more difficult to describe or explain than that of the body, and it again makes me think of how sex is so bound up with the unknowable,  the inaccessible and the strange. 

mmm..'like chasing a ghost'...i like that :)  .....thinking about it, ghosts are all clothes and no body!....you never see a naked ghost..
there is a ghost in this room.  it is cold and it has spread its self everywhere and  into each centimeter and  corner. it died in the old english winter. when winters were long and real and not centrally heated.  died frozen by snow and under a  bitter sweet full moon.  

Ah that's a sad image, but beautiful. 

Sexual partners are a little like ghosts, as something of each of them still seems to resonate in my body. I have been changed by every person I have encountered sexually, even if the change is small. It's tiring sometimes to imagine carrying these people with me and what they meant to me at a certain time and how my experiences with them changed my life. I remember a part in the book 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' by Milan Kundera, where he writes about a character called Thomas, who pursues women sexually, not out of physical desire, but out of the desire to possess as many parts of the world as possible. It reminded me of the way that sometimes a sexual experience with someone new makes me feel that I have acquired another piece of the world, a new understanding, a new perspective. Some of my ghosts are ones I would rather not carry but I have to find a way of putting them somewhere as they will never entirely go away. Others I adored but must also take their place somewhere that is slightly removed from the present moment, so that I don't feel utterly pregnant with the past...

i really enjoyed reading the passage you wrote. 
 i dont know where to begin, so maybe i wont.  time does amasing healing to the emotional body... dilutes all the experiences and can make them manageable again.  but a real stain - not even washing and re-washing will help as it remains..  maybe it will fade.  but in the right light it will always be there.  
it gives me a lump in my throat.  it makes me want to disappear.  it makes me want to run away.  it makes me want to stay alone.  
it makes me want to move near, it makes me want to find and love, it makes me want to find and love and truely love.  it makes me want to scream.  it makes me want to be happy.

Ah yes! Your words are so relevant to the way I feel this morning. I am so sad today because I am thinking of one of my ghosts who made me happy. Sometimes something will trigger a return to our love and although I don't want to go back there because it is time to move on, all the warmth and closeness and sweetness of it all floods back into me and I am overwhelmed by the absence of love. 

And it also makes me want to stay alone, safe in my own body, shutting out the world, shutting out love because it makes me so vulnerable. And like you, I also want to FIND love and enjoy that mad and intimate sweetness, that happiness that makes me sad because I'm so frightened of losing it...and because of this fear I love all the more intensely. I miss everything about being loved for everything I am -including my flaws- and the way that the person you love stays with you and you can still smell them even when they're away. There's a short Maya Angelou poem I know off by heart because it stayed with me:

'The day hangs heavy
loose and grey
when you're away.

A crown of thorns
a shirt of hair
is what I wear.

No one knows
my lonely heart
when we're apart.'

Such a simple poem, but it expresses this grey, sad, longing feeling so well. I am so sad this morning, but so glad I can connect with another writer about the way I feel. It's such a good idea Clair; I think we writers need to connect this way more often.

Sending you warmth on a cold day. 
thank you for your words and indeed we should :)  connection is where its at...!
love is all around.  i know its not the same.  but it is surrounding you in all its ways. and it will come again in the form of a lover.
do you sometimes find sadness quite beautiful?... i find its more comfortable for me than other feelings - like  physical pain or emotional jealously or even that feeling of not knowing and being torn apart by indecision...
....sadness doesnt seem to pull me around or apart. sadness is when all the other things (the anger, the fear, the not knowing, the anxiety born of difficult relations) are gone.  sadness comes then to process.  to filter your emotional body.   and to show you how it feels to just be alone.  and to encourage you to find love again. i find it is sort of a friend...though of course, not the sort of friend you want to be around ALL the time!!  ;)
and so are tears though i just havent had any for such a while and now i feel like my emotional body is letting me down! ;) ....where are all my emotional and healing tears i am due!!  have i been short changed!? ;)  ................. im sure actually it just has other plans.  (its problably waiting for a shoulder to cry on)!  hee hee ! lucky he !!  it makes me laugh to think of it !!!  hee hee again!  spiral symbol!!  this keyboard is so basic!   exclamation mark ! ! !

Sadness is one of the most beautiful emotions, yes. Most of my best poetry was written when I was sad. It's amazing sometimes that when I feel unbearably sad and lonely I still find myself being able to step back and write about it. Sometimes writing is the only place I can put myself when I feel like that. That's the problem with sadness I suppose; it makes it very difficult to concentrate on every-day things.

I cried last night whilst playing a song on the guitar that evoked a certain time for me. I think I needed it though. I agree that tears are healing. I can't understand people who never cry; I find it to be such a necessary and comforting release. I have always preferred lovers who are able to cry with me. Not lovers who cry too easily, but ones who can when they need to. Sometimes it's one of the most powerful ways of expressing love.

I suppose this is my last entry. It's really been enjoyable for me and it's been lovely to connect. Thank you Clair. I hope you find all the love and lovers and tears and happiness that you desire.


Anni. x
you are a sweet heart.  where is the heart key on this key board?! and the star key!?  im going to japan ! - im sure they have them there ;)  but for now you'll have to imagine them stamped on in special colourful inks

go well anni,
clair X x

 :-)   <3 xxx

<3 <3 <3  oh now thats nice :)) X

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